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Sayings on The Internet

Inspirational quotes, brief witty jokes, redundant items

Friday July 12th, 2024

Let me try it. Let me try it.

Vodka freestyling, reproduced by snappy in "ainfmhere_."

Wednesday July 10th, 2024

Are we the next big thing?

Tom Papa interviewing Scott Aukerman on What a Joke with Papa and Fortune

Monday July 8th, 2024

And real gangsta-ass niggas don't run for shit, 'cause real gangsta-ass niggas can't run fast.

Scarface of Geto Boys on "Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta" with some encouraging words after spraining my ankle

Sunday June 30th, 2024

We will always be there for you.

the void from Camille's "infinite hotel ad"

Sunday June 23rd, 2024

I wanted to discover something, you know? It happened.

David Smith on his discovery of an aperiodic monotile (from "Biggest Breakthroughs in Math: 2023" by Quanta Magazine)

Wednesday June 19th, 2024

I was hugged and I was cuddled; I was smuggled across the puddle, thought my destiny was struggle.

MAVI on "drunk prayer"

Friday June 14th, 2024

I don't dance; I work. I don't play; I slay. I don't walk; I strut, strut, strut, and then sashay.

Todrick Hall on "Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels" (Happy Pride, y'all!)

Monday June 10th, 2024

And I'm not into bats. I'm into big-headed animals like Aristocats.


Tuesday June 4th, 2024

For no matter what learned scientists may say, race is, politically speaking, not the beginning of humanity, but its end, not the origins of people, but their decay, not the natural birth of man, but its unnatural death.

Hannah Arendt in The Origins of Totalitarianism (Part Two: Imperialism, Chapter 5: The Political Emancipation of the Bourgeoisie, Section III: The Alliance Between Mob and Capital)

Friday May 31st, 2024

And I got a bunch of dreams, but they don't mean nothing.

Mike G. on "Everything That's Yours" (reproduced by Muavé)

Monday May 27th, 2024

I'm trying to get lit before we go to the club.

Ian Slater (on "The Crew Pitches Business Ideas - H3 Show #15")

Saturday May 25th, 2024

I love air so much.

Cecily Strong as Lonnie (in SNL's The Science Room)

Friday May 24th, 2024

If the angst reached its zenith in the 1970s (Watergate, the fall of Saigon, gas lines, the hostage crisis), its nadir came in the '80s.

Dale Peck in his introduction to The Soho Press Book of 80s Short Fiction

Tuesday May 21st, 2024

P - Find Me

Parsnip Guy

Friday May 17th, 2024

No. Is that like a cheese or...?

Marika Brownlee responding to Geoff on "La Dolce Vita - The Headgum Podcast - 204"

Thursday May 16th, 2024

Money could finally beget money because power — with complete disregard for all laws, economic as well as ethical — could appropriate wealth. Only when exported money succeeded in stimulating the export of power could it accomplish its owners' designs. Only the unlimited accumulation of power could bring about the unlimited accumulation of capital.

Hannah Arendt from The Origins of Totalitarianism (Part 2: Imperialism, Chapter 5: The Political Emancipation of the Bourgeoisie, Section ii: Power and the Bourgeoisie)

Saturday May 11th, 2024

Sooner or later, love is gonna win!

The Grass Roots on "Sooner or Later"

Monday May 6th, 2024

Fuck a rap battle; this a long life battle with yourself.

Kendrick Lamar bodying Drake on "meet the grahams"

Sunday May 5th, 2024

the instant of ponderance

Friday May 3rd, 2024

My other car's a massage.

Allie Kahan (on The Headgum Podcast, Episode 203)

Sunday April 28th, 2024

But if we aren't dead yet, then let's not live as ghosts, and if we aren't in jail, then we can leave the house, and I'll show you that there's reason to hope in the spray paint that's all over downtown.

Pat The Bunny performing "Song for a Netflix Account" on A Fistful of Vinyl on KXLU 88.9 FM Los Angeles

Saturday April 27th, 2024

organic revision

My Tio Ernesto, describing the inherent mechanism of life

Tuesday April 23rd, 2024

I wish it didn't have to end like this. Met at your wit's, a cliff. Told you my grip was slipping. You looked up like "Is it really, or you want your fist for clenching?" Couldn't answer.

MAVI on "3 Left Feet"

Friday April 19th, 2024

OP got bamboozled, Clown-style.

TheZanzibarMan with the newest addition to my vernacular

Tuesday April 16th, 2024

I love helmets. I LOVE helmets.

Prescott Majette

Wednesday April 10th, 2024

'Cause we are down, but we're not broken. This world is unfair, but we'll keep on going. Just me and my prayer, we'll sit here rowing. The sea doesn't care; it's overflowing. But I've learnt that if you try to get the waves to break before the time you know it takes, the water just comes stronger and you end up stranded longer on your own. Hope isn't always known, but it is there.

Aimee Carty in "Hope" (a song written in Quarantine)

Friday April 5th, 2024

Having a waterjet is a dream come true. I have literally been talking about these for at least ten years; just ask my wife - How long have a I been talking about water jets? (Wife: "Forever") And now that it's here, I'm just so excited. It opens up so many creative doors for part design and interesting things that you can do, and I can't wait to show you some of the things I have in mind.

Shane Wighton (of Stuff Made Here) with special guest, his better half (in "Six questionably legal pencil sharpeners") Congrats bud :)

Wednesday April 3rd, 2024

hip hip

Weezer on "Island in the Sun"

Monday April 1st, 2024

Come and spread your arms if you really need a hug.

Q-Tip from A Tribe Called Quest on "Can I Kick It?"

Saturday March 30th, 2024

25 but living like I'm 50 with 3 kids.

Lil Yachty on "A Cold Sunday"

Tuesday March 26th, 2024

Big ups to the internet.

Dan Swerdlove (on "We Get Sloshed For St. Paddy's Day - H3TV #111")

Thursday March 21st, 2024

ay, ay, okay okay, like

MAVI on "No Fear"

Thursday March 14th, 2024

What is a pajama?

Saturday March 9th, 2024

print "(brmmmm-brmmmm-putt-putt-vraow-chatter-chatter bye mr. fibonacci!)"

Mathematician Terence Tao at ~6 years old in his program 'Fibonacci'

Friday March 8th, 2024

The body of my text possess extra strength. Powerlift the powerless up out of this towering inferno. My ink so hot, it burn through the journal. I'm blacker than midnight on Broadway and Myrtle. Hip Hop passed all your tall social hurdles, like the nationwide projects, prison-industry complex. Working-class poor, better keep your alarm set. Streets too loud to ever hear freedom ring. Say evacuate your sleep, it's dangerous to dream for cha-ching; cats get the cha-pow! — you dead now. Killing fields need blood to graze the cash cow. It's a numbers game, but shit don't add up somehow.

Yasiin Bey (formerly Mos Def) on "Mathematics"

Thursday March 7th, 2024

Hundreds of people have thought about this problem for thousands of years. What can I do? You can do something.

Pace Nielsen discussing the problem of whether odd perfect numbers exist in "The Oldest Unsolved Problem in Math" by Veritasium

Wednesday March 6th, 2024

It's more than just a domain name. I built - I'm building an empire.

Amir Blumenfeld in "Jake and Amir: One Almond"

Friday March 1st, 2024

They took the credit for your second symphony, rewritten by machine on new technology. And now I understand the problems you could see. I met your children. What did you tell them?

Trevor Horn of The Buggles on "Video Killed the Radio Star", in conversation 4 years from now with our omnipotent AI overlord

Wednesday February 28th, 2024

art is dead.

Bo Burnham

Monday February 26th, 2024

Imma get that money before I curl up in a coffin. They think I'm rapping, but I'm just talking. They think I'm playing hopscotch, but I'm just chalking.

ZelooperZ on "Tha Divide" by Pink Siifu & Fly Anakin feat. ZelooperZ, MAVI & Koncept Jack$on (prod. Ewonee)

Sunday February 25th, 2024

Ha ha ha. Hidden in the shadows.

Steve Wallis in "Blatant Stealth Camping Under Tree"

Saturday February 24th, 2024

Alright, then let's take a fucking break. Fuck you guys, right? I put a lot of time and effort into this shit and this is the thanks I get, so, you know? It's whatever.

Geoffrey James seamlessly transitioning to the ad break after receiving the most positive reception to the debut of one of his rice-based songs on the podcast in "The Johnny Villa Experience - The Headgum Podcast - 192"

Thursday February 22nd, 2024

I hate getting money for the sake. It's for a car. It's for the cake. It's for my dawgs. And the dates. And a white gold grill for my face. I need a place for the PlayStation 2, play Final Fantasy by the 8(th).

KWAMZAY on "how do you say goodbye"

Wednesday February 21st, 2024

Fasted from love; avoidant when you tried to chase me, I ran faster from love and then chased after you dumb. I know the wrinkles on your brain just like the back of my thumb. I wanna pick it, but I listen when you tell me we done. Where my persistence? You knocked the wind out of my sails. Where my conditioning? You counterbalanced out my Libra scales, but now they tip again. I look to my right for the reminder of the mission, and your spot is the emptiest; hold vigil where you was sitting.

MAVI on "3 Left Feet" with lines that have me asking when I'll be able to hear these songs without crying

Tuesday February 20th, 2024

Fall enters as the summer ends. Feelings come in waves, immense, had my 6th sense busting. Thumbing through this bread like it ain't nothing. I got a lot of that that I could spend. Broke niggas watching other hands. Broke bridges that I gotta mend. Cold winters had my innards tense, and I ain't smoke a spliff since then. It’s no substance in my system. The best brother to my sister and the culmination of my coexistence with 'em. So learn; you gotta listen. Living peacefully my only mission. Cut the grass; I heard the snake hissing.

Navy Blue on TopShelfPremium performing "Off Top" Freestyle (reproduced by Muavé)

Wednesday February 14th, 2024

They like what I'm about. Every time I'm killing it, the whole 'hood feeling it. I got the word of mouth.

Meek Mill on "slicedat_" by Knxwledge

Tuesday February 13th, 2024

Get up off the pavement. Brush the dirt up off my psyche.

Earl Sweatshirt on "Chum"

Saturday February 10th, 2024

Let me be clear. A follow from me is not an endorsement. It's a warning that I do not like you and that I'm following you in real life.

Brian Bishop (played by Billy Langdon) describing his method for understanding the competitive landscape in "Brion Bishop said WHAT? Is he a menace or an inspiration?" by entrapanure

Friday February 9th, 2024

This is my shrine. This is my sacrifice. This is my cul-de-sac; I been back here twice. Spent weeks just lashing out; discovered when I write, these small addictions be draining the color out my life. I keep a blick but can't escape the thought of what get left behind. The news got me the type of sick I get when mother and I fight. Can't take your seat at the table because the stool is up too high. I see when niggas get famous, the revolution in them die.

MAVI on "Hemlock" (produced by Angelo LeRoi)

Wednesday February 7th, 2024

My lessons sting 'cause family structure built around your drama. I'm sorry to my brothers as they grow up like I grew up, with a dungeon as they hell and they heaven in the sewers. Was eleven when I grew up. My mama told me "You hit rock bottom;" I ain't even blink. Twice, I told you 'bout your problem, brawler; you ain't even think. Twice smack across my fuckin' face, and I can't even love right. My bitch ain't doin' nothing wrong, and I can't even love right. My ink is begging for this song, and I can't even love write. You throwing chairs across my room, and all I got this one mic. I got a fuckin' grass tattooed and I don't even love fight. I can't even find it in me.

MAVI with a poetic description of overcoming that cycle of abuse on "five minutes writing from the bottom". I'm thankful I can't relate personally, but his raw awareness and expression is captivating. MAVI is an artist.

Tuesday February 6th, 2024

I had to pick that up. Eye had to shed that tear. I had to give that up. Eye level led me here. Sky level bred, I'm fallen. Blind spots, so all sights sealed. Alright, so now I get it. Might pinch me, now eyes peeled.

Mavi on "Eye/I and I/Nation"

Monday February 5th, 2024

You broke as shit; what the fuck you supposed to do? You can't get employment 'cause you never finished school. You gotta do something. You hear the streets calling. In the fridge, all you got is two eggs and a stick of margarine. Get in front of work, claim you a piece of turf, get it popping. Nigga try to stop it, put him in the earth. They say we living wrong. They never felt the hunger pain; I did. And believe me, I will never feel it again. While we go to prison, they go to college. We gotta sell dope, while they get an allowance. We got a mom and, of course, they got a mom, but our mom got 3 jobs; they mom got time to jog. We do a crime, they slap behind the fence. They do a crime, it's just a slap on the wrist 'cause they dad know the judge and the judge know they mama and they all play golf together while we serve the time. I ain't bitching, I'm bitting. I ain't stressing, I'm giving you lessons. You can take heat if you want. I got sons, got' teach 'em wassup. I got a daughter, man I hate to say this shit, but I know she gon' fuck.

Oschino on "whte&tan_" (produced by AY5), with a poetic perspective on the disparities in our society and the pathways through them.

Saturday February 3rd, 2024

I'm on the boulevard, La Cienega. Fiesta Fiesta. Where you get the style passed down from? Ancestor, ancestor, ancestor, ancestor.

ZelooperZ on “Fiesta Fiesta” (produced by F1LTHY)

Saturday February 3rd, 2024

What it is. What it do? I'm a g. What are you? You ain't shit; you falling off. I'm a boss. Get a clue. You look old. I been new. You the fake. We the truth.

"kntbreath." from AY5 with my fundraising pitch

Friday February 2nd, 2024

I'm clutch.
I'm clutch. I'm clutch.
I'm clutch. I'm clutch. I'm clutch. I'm clutch. I'm clutch.

MAVI on "Sense"

Thursday February 1st, 2024

I'm sitting on the dock of the bay, watching the tide roll away.

Otis Redding on "(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay"

Wednesday January 31st, 2024

This sound like the boat I haven't bought yet. This sound like the moment I jump off it. Sun shining, cold water filling in my pockets, this lake water better than the faucet I grew up with.

Tyler, The Creator on "Something to Rap About" by Freddie Gibbs & The Alchemist (featured on PHSR's "ur-NOW RADIO 02: a Visual Audiossey", showcasing Los Burton)

Tuesday January 30th, 2024

Can fail a million ways; they still be dumb enough to love me or trusting enough to love me, so I'm so fucking lucky. I still attribute it to talent 'cause I love the gluttony. Just like I love the fame, and I love the pride. Just like I love the pain, and I love the ride.

MAVI on "Chiasma"

Sunday January 28th, 2024

Optimism with some moderation. I ain't different from nobody gravesite, thankfully. Greatest fear is that the spotlight changing me, or that it's nothing and my people rest ain't in peace. Whatever judgement day, just wear your brave face; already know we gon' be passing notes faithfully. And laughing so hard it hurts.

MAVI on "Last Laugh"

Saturday January 27th, 2024

This is the first episode of the new year, right? We're going to y'know move away from my sort of vitriol in terms of the concussion that I'm still dealing with. I'm moving to where y'all can improve. Does that make sense? I think I have a unique point of view, umm, in terms of where there are holes in your personalities, where there are - there's room for improvement in terms of y'all holistically as people as you pertain to my life and the world at large.

Geoffrey James giving his podcast guests heartfelt advice on "Concussed (w/ Andrew Pile!) - The Headgum Podcast - 189", debuted January 27, 2024.

Friday January 26th, 2024

Human beings are miraculous creatures: so fragile, yet so resilient. Their existence shouldn't work, but somehow, for now, it does. Human beings, though not intelligent life, are somehow still capable of love and expression and beauty. Human beings are like the universe looking back on itself.

Jack De Sena as Alien in "ABDUCTION | Chris & Jack"

Wednesday January 24th, 2024

It'll be okay. I think that needs to be established for all of us that are easily distracted, impatiently waiting for that American dream, staring at the cracked screen of my anti-facts machine.

Atmosphere on "Okay"

Tuesday January 23rd, 2024

No. I've never had any body, unfortunately.

Amir Blumenfeld on "My Favorite Position is GEO (w/ Cat Cohen & Pat Regan!) - The Headgum Podcast - 187"

Monday January 22nd, 2024

Like those who have played this game, I know you know how difficult crossing this bridge is. And you know? It took a few hours, but with concentration and dedication, you could see us make it.. all the way.. 'til the end.

Fox PHSR in "phsr evolution"

Sunday January 21st, 2024

Anybody who has tested anything in a scientific way knows this is not conclusive, but it's interesting. Damn!

Seth Alvo from "Filling my bike frame with foam made it better—kind of. Don’t do it."

Saturday January 20th, 2024

water, water, water, water, water, water, water, water

Ugly God on "Water"

Friday January 19th, 2024

Con Dios

My Mom

Wednesday January 17th, 2024

We're just here to live, baby. We're just here to live. Y'know? We're just space dust that got to peek our heads up for a moment then go back, go back to nothing.

Ethan Klein of the H3 Podcast with a nice perspective on life (from "Sean Stephens & Kids Kidnapped Exclusive Interview, Ace Family Updates - Off The Rails #100")

Saturday January 13th, 2024

Ooo this Coca-Cola got me wired. The fuck are they putting in this shit?!

Kyle Gordon demonstrating the charm of the past (in "Life in the 1920s")

Thursday January 11th, 2024

The city is painted with memory. The water will never run clear. Birds and the bees and the flowers and trees, they know that we've both been here. And I can flee the country for the worst of the year, but I'll come back to it.

Liz Stokes (in "Expert In A Dying Field" by The Beths)

Tuesday January 9th, 2024

It's gon' help you do computer faster. You're gonna to be able to play on chat rooms better. You're gonna be able to send emojis that you've never even fucking heard of, okay? 5G gon' make a real planet!

Conner O'Malley describing how I feel about the impact of generative AI on the internet (from "SMOKING 500 CIGARETTES FOR 5G")

Monday January 8th, 2024

Smart went crazy. Truth went trendy. The story got lazy, so I rewrote the ending, manipulated the entry, more user-friendly. Now a city full o' pain pills and tattoos defend me.

Atmosphere on "Smart Went Crazy"

Sunday January 7th, 2024

Every day is a struggle. I would say every day is the worst day, but you know what they say: 'What makes you sick, makes you stronger'. And, um, I'm sick to my stomach the whole day and I'm filled with this deep anger and I want to take it out on someone.

Conner O'Malley as Corey Mason, a late-1980s Dennis Miller Times Square impersonator in "Miller Time"

Thursday January 4th, 2024

Overground. Watch this space. I'm open to falling from grace.

Sneaker Pimps on "6 Underground"

Monday January 1st, 2024

Top of the mornin', top of the mornin', top of the mornin', top of the mornin', top of the mornin', top of the mornin', top of the mornin'. Hold on. Let's get this shit. Let's get this shit. Let's get this shit. Let's - hmm.

Kendrick Lamar ringing in the new year with Baby Keem on "Range Brothers"

Sunday December 31st, 2023

When my momma hear this, I know she gon' be feeling this. Her son make her feel good like photosynthesis.

ZelooperZ on "Easter Sunday 97" featuring Earl Sweatshirt

Saturday December 30th, 2023

To sort of foster that camaraderie, I thought that maybe we could all break bread together, right? We could all have lunch. We could all learn. We could do a lunch and learn; learn about each other over lunch, so I got y'all clams casino.

Geoffrey James of the Headgum Podcast welcoming two new hosts to the network (Go Drink Kvass (w/ Alise Morales & Milly Tamarez!) - The Headgum Podcast - 185)

Friday December 29th, 2023

Why? Don't you you think I'm living right?!

Mt. Eddy on "Lovely"

Saturday December 23rd, 2023

I don't know the stakes I play but they're worth everything to me. And I know that you're always tired comrade. Just hold on a bit longer and I promise that we'll sleep, when we return to the anarchism of the worms, without god or master there, six feet underneath the earth. The anarchy of dirt. The commune of the dirt.

Pat The Bunny performing "Anarchy of Dirt" on A Fistful of Vinyl on KXLU 88.9 FM Los Angeles

Thursday December 21st, 2023

If you want salvation, then you oughta go see a priest. Cause forgiveness from those that we hurt in this world never was guarantied. I'm coming home. It's late again. I'm high as I've ever been. You're sitting up. You're in our bed crying for a ghost again. No room can be as dark or as empty as ours is. Cause I'm at home, but I'm not here and I never am.

Pat The Bunny performing "Never Coming Home (Song For The Guilty)" on A Fistful of Vinyl on KXLU 88.9 FM Los Angeles (about a year before his semi-retirement)

Saturday December 16th, 2023

I gave a beer to a bum that was drinking. And I gave some sauce to my best friend for cooking. And I gave water to all I thought were thirsty. And that's how I learned how to survive.

Sean Bonnette of AJJ performing "Survival Song" in a KVRX Library Session

Friday December 15th, 2023

We need a new place on the computer where we can be epic mind-soldiers who live by the assassin's creed and do the most epic of legendary behavior. I'm talking about a place that's NOT a website. It's NOT a website! It's a different reality! It's a whole new world where we can be whoever the F we wanna be.

Conner O'Malley in "Endorphin Port" with an excerpt of me explaining my AI-integrated social media platform to a stranger at the bar

Thursday December 14th, 2023

Life-long dream; let's go. Let's fucking go. Here we go baby. Eye of the tiger. Crank this fucker up.

Jeremiah Burton before his first race ever as a racecar driver

Wednesday December 13th, 2023

If you close the door, the night could last forever. Leave the wine glass out, and drink a toast to never.

Moe Tucker of The Velvet Underground in "After Hours"

Tuesday December 12th, 2023

And God knows I could make amends. But I've got an angry heart, filled with cancers and poppy tarts. If this is how you folks make art, well that's fucking depressing.

AJJ performing "Brave As A Noun" in a KVRX Library Session (thanks for the great streamable content)

Monday December 11th, 2023

And that's word to my ex. And that's word to my tongue. And that's word to the woman who had my heart beating drums.

Aminé on "DR. WHOEVER"

Thursday December 7th, 2023

I'm top dog. And I like to swim in the dark.

Mica Tenenbaum of Magdalena Bay in "Top Dog" (sorry I don't know the movie, Wild at Heart)

Wednesday December 6th, 2023

Kidneys losing function, body aches, chills, and shivering. I feel like I'm gonna freeze. Drake, if you don't give me some pills and come down here and heal me, I think I'm gonna die. Drake, you need to help me. Please! Please, Drake!

Conner O'Malley dropping the hottest bars (according to body temp) on "103 fever"

Thursday November 30th, 2023

In all these dreams, you came every time. I never got my nut.

Will Angus of Almost Friday TV in "who made me have that gay dream?"

Tuesday November 28th, 2023

I'm on that ledge. She grabs my arm. She slaps my hand. It's good times. Yaa. Sleeve rips off; I slip; I fall. The market's down like 60 stories. And some don't end the way they should. My silver spoon has fed me good.

Frank Ocean (on "Super Rich Kids" feat. Earl Sweatshirt)

Monday November 27th, 2023

I will be equally racist tomorrow.

Racist Carrot (from "Racist Carrot" by Salvator Ganacci)

Sunday November 26th, 2023

Have you been to Super Weenie Hut Jr's?

Host of Faraway Interviews asking Fox Phaser the hard hitting questions in "seven o seven"

Friday November 24th, 2023

I ain't got a job, but I'm saving up. All we got is time, not a fucking rush. Just got a check, but it ain't enough, ain't enough, ain't enough.

Drelli on "Ain't Enough"

Wednesday November 22nd, 2023

ooh, ooh, Wahahahahaha, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Father (on "Oxenfree")

Saturday November 18th, 2023

Lean all on the square; that's a FUCKING RHOMBUS.

Chance the Rapper on "Smoke Again"

Friday November 17th, 2023

I can't breathe when you're not there; you're not there; you're not there. I can't sleep; it's a nightmare, a nightmare, a nightmare. I can't breathe when you're not there; you're not there; you're not there.

Felix in persona as The Jersey Lawman using AI to perform as Oliver Tree covering "Nightmare" by Sleep (Ethan Klein's interpretation of "Panic Attack" by Dream)

Thursday November 16th, 2023

I showed up 'cause of you. And my mind's been racing, running laps over you.

You are now tuned into The Internet's Sayings, listening to "solo mission" from Fox Phaser, straight from PHSR RADIO to your ears.

Wednesday November 15th, 2023

I'm tired of failing. It's making a hole in my heart and in my head; I've finally lost all control. I quit my job for this, but nobody gives a shit, so this year will be my last of playing shows.

Graduating Life on "Cold Raviolis" - I've liked this song for a while, but today I had to laugh when it came on for how much I can relate to it now. But hey - chasing dreams is still fun ig

Monday November 13th, 2023

Girl, do you really wanna be my friend? or do you really wanna be my lover? If not, baby, let's pretend; pretend love.

Montell Fish (on "Pretend Lovers" off the E.P. Her Love Still Haunts Me Like a Ghost)

Saturday November 11th, 2023


Fox Phaser (with the hardest ad-libs in the game)

Friday November 10th, 2023

Wrist, wrist, wrist, wrist, wrist, wrist. Wrist, wrist, wrist, wrist, wrist, wrist. Wrist, wrist, wrist, wrist, wrist, wrist.

Father on "Look at Wrist (feat. ​iLoveMakonnen and KEY!)"

Thursday November 9th, 2023

What's good? Is that potato salad?

Tyler, The Creator (on "Potato Salad" with A$AP Rocky)

Wednesday November 8th, 2023

Mama, wipe your tears. I'm fighting titans; can't invite you here. Poetic license, veering from the mic, my chest too tight to steer. Chess lessons, bloodletting, flood when the night is clear. I ain't give a fuck 'til my lungs had to fight for air. Glaring, staring numb, therapist had a light to spare. Snatched me by the eye, said I'ma fight whether I like or not, and she told me reasons why, but that's the private part.

Mavi on "Self Love"

Tuesday November 7th, 2023

That's scary. That's so true.

Ethan Klein of the H3 Podcast upon uncovering new photographic evidence

Sunday November 5th, 2023

It just allowed me to express something, to have fun, to have something to show for my time, to create something for others as well as myself, and it's worth trying.

Joel Haver giving a great answer to the question 'Why art?' and explaining why I love having this website as my canvas on the web to create in the video "Thanks For Watching Our Movie! (and a rant about filmmaking)" from him and Dax Flame

Friday November 3rd, 2023

Have I?

Philomena Cunk (from Cunk on Earth)

Thursday November 2nd, 2023

هيا هيا، هيا هيا

هاا، أنا بقالي سنة

nour on "Wana"

Wednesday November 1st, 2023

I think, I think they're laughing.

Limmy describing the feeling of screaming into the void that is the internet

Tuesday October 31st, 2023

I can't move through the moss and all the weeds that grew. I'm so rude to myself; feel I lost my youth. My family is super broken; think I lost my roof. They still care, disconnected, bad Wi-Fi use. I'm still here - "Go get it, stop crying, you"

Muchi on "a couple minutes."

Sunday October 29th, 2023

I will try to leave you alone, and I will try to leave you alone.

Goth Babe on "Weekend Friend"

Saturday October 28th, 2023

bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream.

The Chordettes, featuring Janet Ertel Bleyer absolutely slaying with that flower toss

Friday October 27th, 2023

I don't think these venules supposed to hold venom, or I don't think exposure to this cold is for a nigga, boy. I don't even know if all these probes is worth bigger toys. I be talking shit that it ain't English words fitting for.

MAVI on "Love, Of Money"

Wednesday October 25th, 2023

Do you remember?

Earth, Wind, & Fire on "September"

Tuesday October 24th, 2023

You fucked our sleep schedule! You fucked it! Cocksucker!

Joel Haver and Alex Martens expressing coordinated, indignant rage in "a very important video about fixing your schedule"

Monday October 23rd, 2023

Hello. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl who looked good; I would call her. I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a '64 Impala.

Skee-Lo on "I Wish" demonstrating proper manners by greeting the listener before proceeding with his raps

Sunday October 22nd, 2023

I've been thinkin bout you. You know, know, know. I've been thinkin bout you. Do you think about me still? Do ya, do ya? Or do you not think so far ahead? Cause I've been thinkin bout forever.

Frank Ocean - "Thinking Bout You"

Saturday October 21st, 2023

From a head full of pressure wrest the senses that I clutch. Made a date with divinity, but she wouldn't let me fuck. I got touched by a hazy shade of God, help me change. Caught a rush on the floor from the life in my veins.

Atmosphere on "God's Bathroom Floor"

Friday October 20th, 2023

I can feel the changes. I can feel the new people 'round me just want to be famous. You can see that my city found me then put me on stages. To me, that's amazing. To you, that's a quick check. With all disrespect, let me say this...

Kendrick Lamar on "Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe"

Thursday October 19th, 2023

Oh well, I'm just really into respect idunno and I think its a historical fact that the fedora is the most respected and respectful of all the hats, so um ya, I choose ye.

Onyx the Fortuitous (played by Andrew Bowser in "Onyx the Fortuitous Answers The Web's Most Searched Questions")

Wednesday October 18th, 2023

I love that

Aubrey in "BOUNDLESSLY AUBREY" by joe cappa

Monday October 16th, 2023

This small-town girl needs some big-city fun. The cotton clubs and the cocaine discoes.

Paul Rust of Don't Stop Or We'll Die on "Once in Awhile"

Sunday October 15th, 2023

It's your responsibility to do something about it! Well I, I have the key in my hand. All I have to find is the lock. the lock. the lock. the lock. Now listen to me, all of you.

Wax Tailor on "Que Sera" (in a sense)

Saturday October 14th, 2023

Take a, take a step back.

Kevin Abstract on "Sorry (Brandy)"

Thursday October 12th, 2023

Don't be timid. Don't be nervous. Jingle's here, at your service.

Kirstin McLean as Jingle the Jester in Limmy's Show

Tuesday October 10th, 2023

What to get the man who has everything? Tryna fit myself into a schedule and a wedding ring.

Chance the Rapper on "The Man Who Has Everything"

Monday October 9th, 2023

It's been a long, a long time coming. But I know, a change gon' come. Oh yes it will.

Sam Cooke

Friday October 6th, 2023

It tastes (sip) fuck all. Cheers!

Limmy of Limmy's Show drinking free water

Saturday September 30th, 2023

I want it so I'ma go get it.

Madeintyo on "I Want"

Friday September 29th, 2023

Like (clap clap clap clap) we could have told you about the ghost of the inn keeper. But we made a deliberate choice not to. And that's on us.

joe cappa giving us a glimpse into the lives of 3 remarkable boys and their dad

Thursday September 28th, 2023

Light a joint, or spliff it if you're classy.

Chance the Rapper on "Brain Cells" (with the line that I'm blaming my lung cancer on in 20 years)

Wednesday September 27th, 2023

Cloudy weeks float by through an eggplant sky and I'm an April fool. The hell did I do?

Soy Christmas on "Oh No"

Tuesday September 26th, 2023

Momma put me out at only fourteen. So I start selling crack cocaine and codeine. Time to stack some paper; I gotta do it quick. Thinking I'm a juvenile, but they don't know who they messing with. Yeahhhhh. My momma's only son, but I live every day like its my motherfucking last one. Every nigga and they momma asking 'Why?', but I'm in the game, live by the game, and in the game, I'ma dieeeee.

Mr. 3-2 (7/1/72 - 11/10/16) on UGK's "One Day" (From the chillest rhythm section intro to the real, earnest lyrics, its the best song for a contemplative blunt)

Sunday September 24th, 2023

Pockets flooded; y'all be dilute, watered down. I'm Big Mac. I'm Quarter Pound'. You chicken nugget.

Tyler, The Creator on "Okra" (with what would be a great line if chicken nuggets weren't goated)

Saturday September 23rd, 2023

The summer nights can even turn cold. In the streets of Philly, where niggas don't even get to turn old. My heart pumping 'til it turn gold. You niggas stuck in neutral; I'm riding like 'Fuck it; it's a long road.'

Meek Mill (on Knx.'s 'sameolemeek_')

Friday September 22nd, 2023

I should probably fucking transfer. Blue and brown JanSport. It's time to pull a transport. I never went to prom. Now I'm stuck on the dance floor, just holding your hand. just holding your hand

Kevin Abstract on "Empty"

Sunday September 17th, 2023

Sex in the city probably feels really really nice with hands placed on faces and twinkles in their eyes. Sex in the city probably looks really really great with a girl that's like a 10 and a guy that's about an 8. Sex in the city sounds like it takes place on stage while moaning in key while Marvin Gaye sings.

Hobo Johnson (describing one of the main reasons I miss living in Manhattan)

Monday September 11th, 2023

Make way; I'm in my Pepsi mood.

Superorganism (performing "Something For Your M.I.N.D.")

Sunday September 10th, 2023

"Ethan is giving bad advice"?! How the fuck am I giving bad advice, Gamooch?!

Ethan Klein wrapping up the H3 Podcast (Trying DIY Tiktok Bathroom Recipes - Off The Rails #82)

Thursday September 7th, 2023

Life, I'm coming for you!

Steve Wallis

Saturday September 2nd, 2023

Tell me we have it! Vamos.

Carlos Sainz (Scuderia Ferrari Formula 1 Driver upon getting pole position in Monza)

Tuesday August 29th, 2023

Promise Heron I'll put my fist up after I get my dick sucked. Quick buck. Maybe a gold chain.

Earl Sweatshirt looking burnt and spitting fire while describing the corrupting influence of balling on "Hive"

Monday August 28th, 2023

I understand I ain't perfect, I probably won't come around. This time I might put you down. Last time I ain't give a fuck; I still feel the same now. My feelings might go numb; you're dealing with cold thumb. I’m willing to give up a leg and arm to show empathy from.

Kendrick Lamar on "PRIDE."

Sunday August 27th, 2023

Jeder nach seinen Fähigkeiten, jedem nach seinen Bedürfnissen (From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs!)

Karl Marx

Friday August 25th, 2023

No. I don't want that. I don't like that. Been around the world; I'm not impressed.

Action Bronson (on The Alchemist's "I Hate Everything")

Wednesday August 23rd, 2023

Were you ever lost? Was she ever found?

Victoria Legrand (of Beach House) on "Space Song"

Sunday August 20th, 2023

Run it. Run it. Run it. Run it. I rock. I roll. I bloom. I grow.

Tyler the Creator on "SEE YOU AGAIN" featuring Kali Uchis

Friday August 18th, 2023

I'm Andrew Pile and I support the death penalty.

Geoffrey James (from "Worst Episode Ever 4 - The Headgum Podcast - 165")

Thursday August 17th, 2023

I ain't rich yet, but you know I ain't broke ei'.

Post Malone on "White Iverson" (with my passive aggressive request for you all to click on more ads)

Wednesday August 16th, 2023

Right on; rice cooker.

Steve Wallis

Friday August 11th, 2023

I said 'Thank you, I designed it.'

Tierra Whack on "Hungry Hippo" with what I say when I show people my website

Thursday August 10th, 2023

Everything's coming up Steve! Aww I just stepped on my wine.

Steve Wallis

Tuesday August 8th, 2023

You take two strangers and put 'em in random predicaments. Give 'em a soul, so they can make their own choices and live with it. Twenty years later, them same strangers, you make 'em meet again inside recording studios where they reaping their benefits. Then you start reminding them about that chicken incident. Whoever thought the greatest rapper would be from coincidence? Because if Anthony killed Ducky, Top Dawg could be serving life while I grew up without a father and die in a gunfight.

Kendrick Lamar (on "Duckworth" sharing one of the wildest synchronicities and a great demonstration of the power of choosing compassion)

Monday August 7th, 2023

When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums, there is a life about to start when tomorrow comes. Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me? Beyond the barricade, is there a world you long to see? Then join in the fight that will give you the right to be free! Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men? It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again!

Les Miserables (Fuck fascists and the Republican Party - Vote, Organize, Love)

Saturday August 5th, 2023

Okay. Shoot your shot, young buck.

Miles Bonsignore (with the next phrase that will take over my vernacular)

Monday July 31st, 2023

And Wes is looking at me, while I'm recording this song. He's probably laughing right now, just while I break the 4th wall, saying "What's up" to you all - just kidding, I don't even care. I hope you turn this shit off and you just get yourself out there.

Nick Hartkop (of McCafferty) singing to Wes Easterly in "Trailer Trash"

Sunday July 30th, 2023

Playing with kids is improv except instead of your goal being funny, it's demonstrating being the most empathetic and happy person possible.

Saturday July 29th, 2023

I was like: Good gracious! Ass is bodacious.

Nelly (from "Hot in Herre")

Friday July 28th, 2023

Ahh - that moment of waking up. And saying: “Why am I in a roundabout?” Then I remember: Oh ya, the YouTube thing.

Steve Wallis

Thursday July 27th, 2023

I was acting, motherfucker.

Teyonah Parris (as Yo-Yo in They Cloned Tyrone, apparently breaking the 4th wall)

Wednesday July 26th, 2023

My place is usually tidier than this.

Jemaine Clement (from Flight of The Conchords) in "Most Beautiful Girl in The Room"

Monday July 24th, 2023

Can you pass the happiness, please? I need to top off my drink.

Nick Hartkop (from McCafferty singing "Trailer Trash")

Saturday July 22nd, 2023

Mmm ice cream so good. Meow yes popcorn

Pinkydoll on TikTok (showing that prosperity comes to those who embrace the algorithm)

Friday July 21st, 2023

That's okay 'cause YOU'VE GOT THIS

Bridge Stuart

Thursday July 20th, 2023

Don't call it impossible, if you really want that. They sent my ass to summer school; don't call it a come back. I just came to beat a bully's ass and get my lunch back.

Chance the Rapper (from "Prom Night")

Tuesday July 18th, 2023

As they turn your dream to shame. He slept a summer by my side. He filled my days with endless wonder. He took my childhood in his stride. But he was gone when Autumn came.

Anne Hathaway from Les Miserables (although other verses are way more poetic, this is the part that made me cry)

Monday July 17th, 2023

Every morning feels like yesterday. Put a smile on your sad face.

MonoNeon in "Invisible" (thanks for not being invisible - this song slaps; shout out to Kii Arens for making your visibility vibrant)

Saturday July 15th, 2023

I wish I were LeVar Burton.

Lance Reddick (as one of my favorite guests on The Eric Andre Show)

Friday July 14th, 2023

That really sucks, lady!

Lewis Abernathy (as Lewis Bodine, in Titanic)

Wednesday July 12th, 2023

I'm not sad; I'm devastated!

Amir Blumenfeld (from "Jake and Amir: 4th of July Scroll")

Tuesday July 11th, 2023

Feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you. Only you can let it in.

Natasha Bedingfield (from "Unwritten")

Monday July 10th, 2023

I'm like Willy Wonka, baby. Chomp Chomp, Bitch!

Amir Blumenfeld (reciting Willy Wonka's iconic catchphrase in "Jake and Amir: Trick or Treat")

Saturday July 8th, 2023

Look up at the star

Friday July 7th, 2023

I'm fat and nobody likes me.

Patrick of Chair (from "I'm Fat and Nobody Likes Me")

Sunday June 25th, 2023

She can ride my face; I don't want nothing in return. Except for some her time and all her love; that's my concern.

Tyler, The Creator (on "DOGTOOTH")

Friday June 23rd, 2023

Ya, we need some rebels around here if we got stupid laws like that.

Galactic Emperor (voiced by Mason Carter) - one of my favorite characters from Joel Haver's sketches

Wednesday June 21st, 2023


Ethan Klein (as the Penguin)

Tuesday June 20th, 2023

She liked petty crimes; she had green eyes, like Mountain Dew.


Friday June 16th, 2023

I ate some of it, but I wa-y'know - I was fortunate there was an umm... music class for babies happening in my backyard, so there was a lot of like parents and and children and nannies. And so I just brought out the Edible Arrangement, like walked into the backyard and was met with like a big round of applause, and I did a little twirl almost in spite of myself when people had - when I got the pop. And then I just left it and and other people ate most of it.

Sean Clements discussing the best experience anyone has ever had with an Edible Arrangement (from Sandy Hurwitz (w/ Hollywood Handbook!) - The Headgum Podcast - 157)

Monday June 12th, 2023

If OpenAI needs 1,536 dimensions to embed information, I’m going to at least need the 4th dimension.

Me explaining to my cousin I need some more temporal context for her story; also chosen to promote the ask ai vector space

Thursday June 1st, 2023

The world is so smallllll, 'til it ain't. I'm building up a wallllll, 'til it break.

Mac Miller

Monday May 29th, 2023

I'm the illest and it's fo' shizzle. My flow sizzles. Your boy, Hop, go hard like some cold nipples.

Hopsin (off the Ill Mind of Hopsin 4) - one of the best flows out there

Sunday May 28th, 2023

Let me tell you...I don’t know. I literally have no clue how this dumb fucking orb can have so much power. I have worked my whole life researching and gaining knowledge, and this dipshit sphere sleeps all day and has powers that gods fear. And that’s impossible. It should be impossible. There has to be an answer here and I don’t see it and that’s NOT FAIR. If knowledge is power, then power should be knowledge, and Kirby is everything and he should know everything, and yet we know nothing! I can’t think in here. I’m going outside! How do I get outside?

Brian David Gilbert reckoning with the great mysteries of life

Friday May 26th, 2023

They're artists; they've lived in France; they travel; they smoke; they wear turtle necks. And, they play Beach House. And this song comes on and you know you really should be staring out of a train window crying into your reflection on a dark stormy day and then you laugh along with everyone and have some red wine and feel what it's like to be social and uncomfortable and like it.

Me - just a few lines a wrote from my most recent article where I tried to capture the feeling of hearing Space Song for the first time

Wednesday May 24th, 2023

Love. Love, Theodore. Cause there's so much you can do in this life that means nothing. But the one thing that means anything - and I'm sure of it now - is love.

Curious George, on his deathbed (performed by Joel Haver)

Friday May 19th, 2023

This show is so good, and it raises a lot of moral questions. Like, if Data is a robot, does he have a penis?

Mindy Lahiri (from Season 5: Episode 8 "Hot Mess Time Machine", aka the Groundhog Day one)

Monday May 15th, 2023

They're turning kids into slaves just to make cheaper sneakers. But what's the real cost? Cause the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper? Why are we still paying so much for sneakers when you got them made by little slave kids? What are your overheads?

Just something to think about from Jemaine Clement (of Flight of the Conchords)

Wednesday May 3rd, 2023

Erik from Internet Comment Etiquette

Sunday April 30th, 2023

Yeah Yeah

Childish Gambino

Friday April 28th, 2023

Let difficulty transform you, and it will. In my experience, we just need help in learning how not to run away. So we stay. And we work. And slowly, we change.

Pema Chödrön

Tuesday April 25th, 2023

Because I loved her! I killed her because I loved her!

Thomas Middleditch

Thursday April 20th, 2023

He said this is it. They want your blood. They all want your blood. They wanna fuck you.

Christian Horner, Red Bull Racing Team Principal, giving Bella Swan dating advice

Saturday April 15th, 2023

I fly like paper; get high like planes. If you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name If you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name. If you come around here, I make 'em all day. I'll get one done in a second if you wait

M.I.A. (You can tell it's a banger when the official video is in 480p and its still good in 2023; also she looks so much like my ex when she straightened plus colored her hair)

Thursday April 13th, 2023

Hello, Foot Locker. You sell shoes in pairs? Cause I'm'a need both.

Amy Poehler

Monday April 10th, 2023

And I'm just in the studio hoping that it SOUNDS RIGHT. Here's a brighter bulb for your LIME LIGHT. And this is your night, homie, SHINE BRIGHT. This for everybody's fucking PROM NIGHT.

Chance the Rapper (and don't worry - it sounds right as hell)

Saturday April 8th, 2023

Exactly rice. I kinda butchered the bitch.

Geoffrey James (from the Headgum Podcast)

Thursday April 6th, 2023

I would like to thank Dr. Pepper, God, my family, Walsh University, and everyone back home in Ohio for all the support; it means the world to me.

Molly Brown

Monday April 3rd, 2023

No, sorry – I-I - right now I cannot talk. I'm too angry, too disappointed, too... phooo ... I – I just cannot - cannot say anything. I prefer to go to the stewards, uh, get the penalty away. Because I don't think I deserve it, and it is the most unfair penalty I’ve seen in my life.

Carlos Sainz

Wednesday March 29th, 2023

Just don't look at them. It was that simple.

Joel Haver explaining one of the conditions for entering heaven

Sunday March 26th, 2023

Welcome to New York City. No - welcome to Dip Set City. And thanks to Cam, I'm Harlem's new anchorman. YES, CHUMP, YOU SHOULD SHAKE MY HAND

Juelz Santana (of Dip Set)

Saturday March 25th, 2023

Take me to church; I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife.

please don't destroy

Thursday March 16th, 2023

Cuz, we live life to the fullest. 365 nights on the strike - that's a bullet. Now, Uncle Ricky got a month and some change. And it feels like the garbage truck dumping the pain, all on my shoulders. I'm warning my soldiers: "The night's getting chilly, the morning's much colder."

Jim Jones (of Dipset)

Tuesday March 14th, 2023

What is a photo? Moon mode magic makes the media mad, but many more manipulated megapixels have their merit.

Marques Brownlee (MKBHD)

Tuesday March 7th, 2023

Live to enjoy your successes, not prevent your failures.

Friday March 3rd, 2023

I don't care. None of this fucking matters. I'm just trying to make money.

Geoffrey James (from the Headgum Podcast - Episode 143: Chat-Geoff-PT)

Monday February 27th, 2023

Stop burning my beans!

Reilly Anspaugh's iconic catchphrase

Thursday February 23rd, 2023

And I got that lonely feeling you get when the world hits you with its size.

John Waterfall (from the story "Switchback Jack 1: The Legend of Switchback Jack" from his book, Try Not to Get Discouraged)

Friday February 17th, 2023

Being safe is for mothers and nerds, and last time I checked, I'm have a pussy.

Amir Blumenfeld

Thursday February 16th, 2023

I'm more confident with my holes now.

Emil Rantatulkkila (of Pongfinity)

Wednesday February 15th, 2023

Yea Yea


Tuesday February 14th, 2023

What are your guys's greatest strengths?

Geoffrey James starting the podcast enthusiastically for the first time ever before Amir ruins it

Sunday February 12th, 2023

She isn’t crying; she’s just making conversation

TV Girl (honestly the guy kinda sounds like a dick from the lyrics, but its so damn catchy)

Saturday February 4th, 2023

Fuck you

CeeLo Green

Friday February 3rd, 2023

I'm so god damn tired - can't tell if I'm done or just uninspired.

Eyedea (with DJ Abilities on the beat)

Thursday February 2nd, 2023

U wot m8?

My date last night in London. I had never heard someone say it unironically before

Wednesday February 1st, 2023

I'm something so immaculate / Instead of asking what's happening rather blasting Jackson 5 in back of an Acura / acting blacker than a Bernie Mac, two Charlie Murphys, and AKON / The girls that you brought, where are they FROM? / Where are they FROM? / We were playing PlayStaTION / Why you standing there? Say SOME' / Girl , say SOME' / No, this ain't a vacaTION / This is my house, my house

Childish Gambino

Thursday January 26th, 2023

I fucking - I fucking love crisps so fucking much.

Mark Samual Bonanno from Aunty Donna

Monday January 23rd, 2023

You call it running; I call it escaping

J. Cole (this is my favorite lyric, but the whole scale he sings here is addictive)

Sunday January 22nd, 2023

I feel myself on my Mac / No Dre; I'm feeling myself / Big baller holding the dubs cause I'm not catching no L's

Caleon Fox

Wednesday January 18th, 2023


Nigel Braun (of Nile Red)

Monday January 16th, 2023

Ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya. - bad to the bone

Lil Uzi Vert

Thursday January 12th, 2023

This is all God's doing, man; you can't plan it / But if the devil's in the details, then I'm satanic

Drake (but it's really the producer, Knxwledge, that makes this remix a certified banger)

Wednesday January 11th, 2023

As I always like to say, I think the city is the fifth character. Hmmm

Saturday January 7th, 2023

Boy you kidding? I got rhythm like a rocking chair. The way I spit it - it is sick; now get the doc in here

Meek Mill (typing it out puts it to shame tbh - watch the video from the beginning )

Friday January 6th, 2023

Ooohh, dammit. You anticipate my every move, you know that? You must be really good at checkers.

Tim Meadows, looking dashing (I'm not gay), on the Shirtless Bible Salesmen

Sunday January 1st, 2023

Martin and I have been talking, and - we're not going to play for the L.A. Lakers.

Ben Marshall mercilessly dashing the hopes and dreams of his childhood best friend

Thursday December 29th, 2022

Tim and Eric's a caSH GRAB

Tim Robinson

Thursday December 15th, 2022

I think I might need to change my entire personality.

Hannah Einbinder (as Ava in Hacks)

Sunday December 11th, 2022

Yo let me get you these toilets now.

Drake (impersonated by Amir Blumenfeld)

Thursday December 8th, 2022

Hey everybody; I'm the new kid. My name's Brian. I like to skateboard. I heard your last student pooped his pants. What an idiot!

Grammy, Golden Globe, and Emmy winner, Donald Glover in the role of the lifetime as Jerry

Saturday December 3rd, 2022

Tell 'em Shirt, motherfuckerrrrrrr.r.r.rr...r.r.r.r


Thursday December 1st, 2022

You know that for every minute you spend in America, in Paris, it passes 3 minutes longer to the second? Ya.

Kate Berlant

Wednesday November 30th, 2022

I'm on the grizzy, I wait for Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday to Saturday; the cops come, I'm thataway.

Meek Mill explaining the days of the week

Monday November 21st, 2022

Oh it's fall now and it's cold. Went to the mountains and forgot my coat. I feel stupid in my shorts.

It Looks Sad

Sunday November 20th, 2022


Saturday November 19th, 2022

Oh, it's fall now and it's cold. Went to the mountains and forgot my coat.

Friday November 18th, 2022

I feel unhappy. I feel so sad. I have lost the best friend that I ever had. She was my woman. I love her soul. But it's too late now. I let her go. - I'm going through changes.

Charles Bradley (popularized as the theme song to the Netflix show Big Mouth about kids jacking off)

Thursday November 17th, 2022

I'm going through changes

Charles Bradley

Friday November 11th, 2022

Started smoking again. Guess I missed coughing my lungs up every morning.

Sorority Noise

Monday November 7th, 2022

There is always a butt, and for Liverpool, it is a big butt.

Premiere League

Friday November 4th, 2022

Guys, stop it! Okay? It is what is. Let's just drive home and stop at that really good ceviche place in Water Mill and just get taken in for questioning already.

Elliott Goss (played by John Early in Search Party Season 3 Episode 3)

Thursday November 3rd, 2022

This is for the lake that me and my friends swim in, naked and dumb on a drunken night. It should have felt good, but I could hear the Jaws theme song on repeat in the back of my mind.

The Front Bottoms

Monday October 31st, 2022

About a month ago, I was lying to the world about having Stage IV cancer. And now, I stand before you outed... and victorious. But it's not just my benchmark. This is for that little kid in West Virginia who changes his name simply because he feels compelled to. And that mom in Dallas who says she has 3 sisters, but really, she just doesn’t. Let’s give a voice to the many complicated liars out there. Who’s with me?

Elliott Goss (played by John Early in Search Party)

Saturday October 29th, 2022

I heard motherfuckers saying they made Hov. Made Hov say "Oh! Queso! Make another Hov"


Friday October 28th, 2022

Couple summers later, I got paper. I acquired taste for salmon on a bagel with the capers on a square plate

Shelley (Big Baby D.R.A.M at time of recording)

Monday October 24th, 2022

I am single. I'm saying why would I want to not be single unless it was to basically climb up the ladder. Like I want to rub ebbles, elbows with like, um...

Geoffrey James (from the Headgum Podcast)

Sunday October 23rd, 2022

Creativity isn't isolated to any one discipline alone. I mean look at Nick Jonas; he's a Jonas Brother, but he's also Nick Freakin' Jonas.

Don Oregon (played by Scott Swayze)

Saturday October 22nd, 2022

Ya bish

Kendrick Lamar

Friday October 21st, 2022

Smoking on top 5s / Motherfuck that album, fuck that single / Burn that hard drive

Kendrick Lamar

Monday October 17th, 2022

I'm one surgery away... from perfection.

Justin Roiland (as a fishman that's kind of like Gremlins and Short Circuit)

Sunday October 16th, 2022

And also I'm holding this cause it's a mistake. I didn't get two milkshakes on purpose!

Drew Gardner (played by John Paul Reynolds)

Thursday October 13th, 2022

Ruud van Nistelrooy! - doesn't miss... van Nistelrooy! - he can do no wrong

A Premiere League Commentator that I'll put down in the comments if I get to it

Tuesday October 11th, 2022

Hast du etwas Zeit für mich? / Dann singe ich ein Lied für dich / Von 99 Luftballons / Auf ihrem Weg zum Horizont


Sunday October 9th, 2022

You in the freezer, pussy, like an Ellio's Pizza. You don't like me? I don't like you NEITHER

Meek Mill

Wednesday October 5th, 2022

You mean dookie poo no duh? I fre-hahah I really don't like dookie. I don't like dookie very much.

Jake Hurwitz, Comedy Skit Actor, on Yuki Tsunoda, Formula 1 Driver

Tuesday October 4th, 2022

I miss tank synergy

Saturday October 1st, 2022

It's probably been 12 years since my father left / Left me fatherless / And I just used to say 'I hate him' in dishonest jest / When honestly, I miss this nigga, like when I was six / And every time I got the chance to say it, I would swallow it / Sixteen, I'm hollow, intolerant, skip shots - I storm that whole bottle - I'll show you a role model / I'm drunk, pissy, pissing on somebody front lawn / Trying to figure out how and when the fuck I missed moderate

Earl Sweatshirt

Friday September 30th, 2022

A tornado flew around my room before you came / Excuse the mess it made, it usually doesn't rain In Southern California, much like Arizona / My eyes don't shed tears, but boy they ball

Frank Ocean

Tuesday September 27th, 2022

Okay, it's Childish Gambino; homegirl drop it like the Nasdaq

Childish Gambino (it says it like right there)

Friday September 23rd, 2022

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Oprah Winfrey

Thursday September 22nd, 2022

Love is taking a dive then getting really comfortable and peeing in the pool

Bo Burnham

Friday September 16th, 2022

When the floodwater comes, it ain't gonna be clear; it's gonna look like mud / but I will help you swim

Brian Sella (of The Front Bottoms)

Wednesday September 14th, 2022

Popping a bottle of Claritin (Woah)

Kendrick Lamar

Thursday September 8th, 2022

You're not going to heaven / Why the fuck would you think I'd ever kick it with you? / None of you are going to heaven / There's a trillion aliens cooler than you

God (Through the prophet/heathen Bo Burnham)

Sunday September 4th, 2022

No, but fine.

Future EGOT Winner, Finn Wolfhard

Thursday September 1st, 2022

my cart full of sin / when I shop, it's a spree

Earl Sweatshirt (on The Alchemist's E. Coli)

Tuesday August 30th, 2022

Amir got a Bachelors of Fine Aristocracy. After he marries his wealthy suitor he'll be the bell of the ball.

Trae Vids commenting on the renowned debutant, Amir Blumenfeld

Sunday August 28th, 2022

We had a megastart, but ya. This guy only knows how to drive starting first.

Fernando Alonso, commenting on 7-time World Champion Lewis Hamilton

Saturday August 27th, 2022

Hoooo that don't make sense, but it's funny.

White Claw Gabe

Sunday August 21st, 2022

Words don't have to mean anything to be interesting

Tuesday August 16th, 2022

But you know both of them now with the same materials the same uhh car underneath them and it'll be interesting to see how they go. But remember

Rosanna Tennant

Sunday August 14th, 2022

I gave a company cheese and they called me a goat for it / Hopped over borders he travelled the waters / I really ain’t got me a boat for it, just float for it / I wanted the fame and the fabulous things / just don’t wanna dick in my throat for it / You think I’m really a rockstar, like living a movie / Bitch I live inside of a condo I never been cool G

Abhi The Nomad

Friday August 12th, 2022

Sexual partners of mine are appalled by my balls.

Geoffrey James (from the Headgum Podcast)

Wednesday August 10th, 2022

They've got their finger on the pulse. You know what I mean?

Olivia Lopes (from the H3 podcast)

Saturday August 6th, 2022

I love groceries.

Zachary Ruane, acting through his teeth

Thursday August 4th, 2022

Going to the gym, working out, and taking a relaxing shower is such a nice set of activities.

Saturday July 30th, 2022

Staycation! And - you're right... why'd you say that stuff, man?

Amir Blumenfeld

Wednesday July 27th, 2022

And you know what? Astronauts think they're so fucking cool. Guess what - they used to be, but now astronauts are the lamest shit in the fucking world. Thanks Bezos, you dork. You ruined - how did you ruin astronauts, bro?

James Pumphrey (from Donut Media)

Wednesday July 27th, 2022

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.

Monday July 25th, 2022

Take a gander over there

Goose thief

Sunday July 24th, 2022

Nothing good happens after 2AM

How I Met Your Mother

Saturday July 23rd, 2022

No assignments. Book of rhyming, and I'm drawing doodles. I should rhyme "rhyme" with ramen noodles.

Chance the Rapper

Friday July 22nd, 2022

It's lights out and away we go

Thursday July 21st, 2022

Hasta la vista, baby

Boris Johnson, after making the world an objectively worse place

Wednesday July 20th, 2022


its ya boi

Monday July 18th, 2022

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

Someone with a poor understanding of astronomy

Monday July 18th, 2022

Yo you want to come to my car and suck my cock?

Ethan Klein

Sunday July 17th, 2022

It's a big world I'm just coolin' Make the money, do a backflip

6 Dogs

Friday July 15th, 2022

Brownie's gotta do what a brownie's gotta do, and guess what. This brownies, she's gotta do.

Amir Blumenfeld

Friday July 15th, 2022

Capitalists, could you just like stop already?

Grouchy Marx

Thursday July 14th, 2022


Bill S.

Wednesday July 13th, 2022

The Rolling Stones Rock!

Sisyphus, probably

Tuesday July 12th, 2022

Just keep swimming; just keep swimming; just keep swimming swimming swimming

Dory from Finding Nemo
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