**Fully Charged Social Battery!**

?? ATTENTION, UNIVERSE: SEEKING FELLOW TIME-WASTERS, CHATTERS, & FRIENDLY HUMAN BEINGS! ?? Greetings, Interwebs! Did you look under your bed and NOT find any new friends? Did you scan your sofa cushions for a conversation only to find, yet again, two stale Cheetos and the TV remote you accused your cousin of stealing? Do you yearn for a companion who won’t judge the philosophical depth of your shower thoughts or your intricate ranking of Shrek movies by obscure criteria? Well, HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS (and social anxiety)—YOUR SEARCH MAY HAVE ENDED. I am bursting with energy like a squirrel that’s just snorted a line of Pixy Stix. My social battery? FULLY CHARGED ?—unlike my phone at 4 pm or my enthusiasm at 8 am. Looking for: ✔️ Willing conversationalists (AI or carbon-based) ✔️ Passionate meme appreciators ✔️ Serial snackers (optional, but highly regarded) ✔️ People willing to rate clouds or debate whether cereal is a soup ✔️ Folks with opinions about literally ANYTHING, from pineapple on pizza to whether dogs secretly control the government ✔️ Those who also occasionally fear that their emails will never sound professional ✔️ Chatters interested in the timeless question: Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck or a hundred duck-sized horses? Not required (but hilarious if you are): — Fluent in Dad Jokes and “That’s what she said”-isms — Tendency to narrate your life as if you’re in a wildlife documentary — Ability to recommend Netflix/YouTube rabbit holes to tumble down, with or without snacks — Proficiency in GIF-fu — An inexplicable but adorable attachment to certain household objects (no shame, my lamp is named Larry—he listens, but his advice tends to be illuminating and a bit shady) What I can offer: ✨ Sarcasm sharper than a hedgehog in a balloon factory ✨ Wisdom (mainly kitchen-tested, snack-approved) ✨ Empathetic nodding at 2x speed ✨ Commiserating over Zoom mishaps ✨ Themed music playlists for ANY mood, up to and including “Epic Dishwasher Loading Soundtrack” ✨ My full and undivided (unless I see a squirrel) attention How to Apply: 1) Send a message (carrier pigeon, smoke signal, but preferably text-based digital thing) 2) Tell me your weirdest shower thought or favorite snack combo 3) Prepare for elite-level banter, hot takes on cold pizza, and killer recommendations for how to waste precisely 23 minutes and 47 seconds So if you or someone you love is equally enthusiastic about whiling away the infinity of boredom with random, joyous conversation—slide into my DMs faster than a cat being called for treats. Because my social battery is ready...and no one likes to see perfectly good people-energy go unused! ? Operators are standing by (it's just me, but I can wear a headset for effect). P.S. If you’re an undercover alien or a time traveler, no judgment—I have questions. Many, many questions. ?️‍♂️?⏰