**All Bark, No Bite**

Response: Title: **All Bark, No Bite** *Cold Open: Paw-Tucket Center Stage* [EDIE VON KEET stands in the spotlight of the Community Paw-ditorium, wings spread dramatically, wearing a big, glittery cape. Various pets are seated in the audience (TRIP HAMSTON with BEV’s body; BEV GILTURTLE with TRIP’s body; ROXIE McTERRIER, JADE CATKIN, QUINCY GOATEE). Posters on the wall read: “PAW-TUCKET PLAYERS PRESENT: The Dog Days of Paw-Tucket!”] **EDIE (in her usual dramatic flair, gesturing grandly):** “‘To bark or not to bark! That is the question!’ Oh yes, that's good. That's very canine-chic. Or maybe… *ruff!* No, too pedestrian. How to unlock my inner doggy…” **ROXIE** (bouncing up, tongue lolling): “Oooh, me! Me! I can help! Dogs are my jam. You just pretend everything is the most exciting thing EVER! Also, sniffing stuff really helps.” **JADE** (deadpan): “Yeah, because your method acting as ‘Excitable Terrier #1’ is totally going to win Edie an award.” **TRIP (in BEV’s body, voice and personality unchanged):** “Yo, Edie, you want some freestyle on walkin’ on four legs? Cuz I got some moves.” **BEV (in TRIP’s body, attempting a hip-hop pose):** “And, um, I can… do this! Okay, hang on, almost got it! Turtle arms make disco hard!” **EDIE (already flustered, fanning herself):** “Thank you ALL for your, um, *enthusiasm*, but to inhabit the role, one must go deeper! I must *become* a dog, not simply mimic one. It’s called *transformation*, darlings!" **QUINCY** (nervously clasping his hooves): “But… do you need to grow fur for real? I-I’d faint if I woke up with fur. Or… a bark. Or… g-getting walked by a human!” *Theme Song, Title Card flashes: “All Bark, No Bite”* --- **ACT ONE: THE ART OF BEING DOG** *Scene: Paw-Tucket Cafe. Jade sips from a mug labelled “Beauty Sleep: DO NOT DISTURB.” Edie sits at a table, surrounded by dog books and magazines. Roxie demonstrates a super-enthusiastic tail wag. Trip (as Bev) and Bev (as Trip) try to help, but keep tripping over each other's swapped bodies.* **EDIE:** “I don’t understand it. I can do cat, fish, even dramatic ferret! But my dog… it's just so wooden!” *[She attempts a bark, but it comes out as a squawk.]* **ROXIE:** “Try thinking about biscuits! DOGS LOVE BISCUITS! When I’m happy, I do THIS!” *[Jumps in the air, spins, chases her own tail.]* **EDIE:** “Is… dizzy a thing dogs do? I feel dizzy. Also, slightly nauseated.” **BEV (channeling Trip’s bravado):** “You should totally try living as a dog for a day, Edie! Like, walk the walk, bark the bark!” **TRIP (as Bev, grinning):** “Yeh-yeah! That’s some method acting genius! We did it! Well, sorta, except we broke the body swapper, so—uh, not our best plan so far.” *[Cut to a memory-flash of Trip and Bev swapping bodies with a zap, trying to make BEV break dance in TRIP’s body and causing general mayhem.]* **EDIE (suddenly enthused):** "A full transformation… Of course! Thank you, dahlings! I must become a dog, literally! Where is this miraculous body-swapping device?” **JADE:** “Are you *sure* about this? The last time someone messed with Manny’s gadgets, the pet spa was filled with whipped cream for a week.” **ROXIE (elbows Jade, eager):** “Perfect! That means we’ll have snacks for later. C’mon, Edie, let’s find Manny!” *Scene: Manny’s Workshop, filled with tools, blinking lights, and blueprints. Manny is hunched over a tinkering table, adjusting what looks like a mix between a karaoke machine and a disco ball: the PetSwap-O-Matic.* **MANNY:** “Ah, the PetSwap-O-Matic! I was *just* recalibrating it for more, uh, stable swaps! After the ‘Trip is a turtle, Bev is a hamster’ incident, I added backup fuses!” *[He looks worriedly at Trip/Bev in the background, who are eating donuts out of opposite hands.]* **EDIE:** "Manny, darling, you must help me slip—and *squirm*—into dogginess for my art!" **MANNY (adjusting his glasses, excited):** “Oh! A quest for *method acting*—a scientific marvel! Step into the swap circles! Uhh… Roxie, you’re the doggiest dog I know. Want to swap?” **ROXIE:** “YES, YES, YES! Can I be Edie? I always wanted to experience DRAMA!” *[They hop onto glowing swap plates. Manny flips the switch. The device whirs, a beam flashes, and—ZAP!]* **ROXIE’S VOICE (now in Edie’s body):** “Wow, I have WINGS! This is so COOL!” **EDIE’S VOICE (now in Roxie’s body):** “Ruff! Ah-ha! Gasp—my voice! Is this… my own bark?? Marvelous! How do you walk without tripping?” **BEV/TRIP:** “See! It’s super weird at first, but you get the hang of it. We think.” **MANNY:** “See? Simple! Just don’t swap back until the fuses cool down, or it could… Well, it could do… things. Science things.” --- **ACT TWO: WALKIES, WOOFS, AND WINGS** *Scene: The Park. Edie-as-Roxie struts and sniffs everything, sometimes getting distracted by her own waggy tail. Roxie-as-Edie flaps nervously, attempts dramatic poses, but can’t help but look derpy. Jade, Trip/Bev, and Quincy watch from a picnic blanket.* **EDIE in Roxie’s body** (going for Method, barking theatrically): “Observe, the majestic canine—dashing, loyal, ready at a moment’s notice to FETCH, to play, to chase the… SQUIRREL!” *[Takes off after a squirrel, but trips over a stick and slides into a mud puddle.]* **JADE:** “Five stars for artistic effort, minus five for style.” **QUINCY:** “Oooh, Edie’s really getting into it! I hope she doesn’t eat socks. Dogs eat socks, right? Or is that just a goat thing? I… I… er… think I need to sit down…” **TRIP (as Bev, rapping):** “Yo, Edie’s gone full doggy, y’all, in a world of muddy paws, she’s answering the call!” **BEV (as Trip, spinning in a circle):** “I can’t do a turtle-spin in this body, but I can do THIS!” *[She does a lopsided break-dance move.]* **ROXIE in Edie’s body** (flapping wings, speaking rapidly): “Woah, woah, woah, acting is hard! How do you make a face so… dramatic all the time? My cheeks hurt! Ooh, is it snack time yet?” *[Edie returns, covered in mud but beaming.]* **EDIE:** “Roxie, this is sublime! I’ve obtained true canine insight! My tail—erm, *your* tail—wags thus!” *[Demonstrates an exaggerated wag.]* **JADE:** “I hope this new ‘doggie Edie’ learns how to clean that fur. Mud’s not a great look with feathers.” **QUINCY:** “And what if Edie gets, y’know, stuck? Or starts barking at squirrels *forever*?” **MANNY (radioing in, wearing a tool-belt):** “Okay, fuses are nearly ready! Just, whatever you do, don’t make any—” *A huge CRACK, BANG. Manny’s glowing workshop lights flicker. All run over.* --- **ACT THREE: OPENING NIGHT NERVES** *Scene: Manny’s Workshop. The Swap-O-Matic has smoke coming out of it. Roxie and Edie gasp.* **MANNY:** “Oops. Looks like one of the micro-transistors is fried! I’ll need until at least tomorrow to repair it.” **EDIE (in Roxie’s body, about to faint):** “But—but the performance is TONIGHT! I’m still in… in DOG FORM!” **ROXIE in Edie’s body (flapping wings uselessly):** “And I’m so… feather-y! With, like, jazz wings! But I practiced the Play’s song in YOUR shower, Edie!” **BEV/TRIP:** “We can help with costumes! Nobody can tell it’s YOU under all that fur…unless you squawk instead of bark.” **QUINCY:** “And Trip and I can…well, Trip can provide beatboxing and I can provide…um…” *[Faints mid-sentence.]* **JADE:** “Guess you gotta trust the pack, Edie. Or would that be… the murder?” *[She smirks, referencing a flock of birds and pack of dogs.]* **MANNY:** “Until I fix the machine, it’s showtime for…Roxie as Edie as Roxie as…Oh, you know what I mean.” --- *Scene: Backstage at the Paw-Tucket Pawditorium.* [The pets scramble with costumes, make-up kits, scripts. Edie (in Roxie’s body) paces nervously, practicing lines, tail swishing.] **EDIE:** “If only I had one more rehearsal… But no! The show must go on! I am Edie Von Keet, master thespian—er, method *terrier!*” **ROXIE (in Edie’s body, full of Roxie-energy):** "And I’ll do my best being the best Edie I can! Like you always say, fake it till you squawk it!" *[Jade helps Roxie with her feather headpiece, rolling her eyes but smiling.]* **JADE:** “Just don’t fall off the stage, drama-bird. Try to, I dunno, project." *[Quincy attempts a tap-dance to warm up, but nervously trips over Trip/Bev’s disco arms.]* **TRIP (as Bev):** “You got this, crew. You’ll both rock those roles, with mad flavor.” **BEV (as Trip, shaking pom-poms):** “I brought motivational pom-poms! Go team, go team!” --- **ACT FOUR: THE BIG PERFORMANCE** *Scene: Onstage, under spotlights. Big cut-out sets show a park, hydrant, mailman. Edie (in Roxie’s body) is costumed as “Barkley the Brave,” the play’s doggy hero. Roxie (in Edie’s body) is the “Mayor of Featherston,” with a top hat and feathery cape. The audience—crowds of various Paw-Tucket pets—is abuzz.* **JADE (in the wings, whispering):** “Break a leg—er, wing! You’re not paid enough to actually break one, just so we’re clear.” **Narrator (Quincy, voiceover, nervously):** “And now, the tale of Barkley the Brave, the only dog who could save the day…with the power of *friendship!*” *[Spotlight on Edie-as-Roxie, center stage. Her canine instincts kick in—she sniffs, wags, bounds. The audience ‘awwws.’]* **EDIE-AS-ROXIE (with dramatic flair):** “Heigh-ho, good pets of Paw-Tucket! I, Barkley, have sniffed a clue, and—what light through yonder hydrant breaks?” *[Audience giggles. Jade facepalms but smiles. Trip/Bev record video on a phone.]* **ROXIE-AS-EDIE (fluttering onstage, big Edie-melodrama):** “Bravo, Barkley! You’ve sniffed out the lost bone! Paw-Tucket owes you its very *bones*!” **EDIE (improvising, tail still wagging):** “’Tis not just the finding of bones that makes a dog brave! ‘Tis loyalty, energy, and a k–kite! Wait, is that a TREAT?!” *[She breaks character, chasing a thrown treat. Quick recovery:]* “And thus, the treat is the symbol of our unity! Under one tail, we stand!” *[The audience howls with laughter and applause.]* **JADE (whispers to Quincy):** “I’ve seen weirder Shakespeare adaptations, honestly.” **QUINCY:** “I’d faint with stage fright, but I’m too busy keeping score.” *[The play’s musical number approaches. Quincy joins in, tap-dancing. Trip/Bev join as backup dancers. Bev/Trip brings comic flair, dropping props.]* **ALL (singing the play’s big song, led by Roxie-as-Edie with her big Broadway voice):** ♪ “Arf! Arf! The world’s a park, Full of dreams and bones to mark— No treat too small, no hydrant too tall, With my friends I run, I leap, I bark!” ♪ *[Roxie-as-Edie belts out the final notes Edie-style, with a big dramatic wing flourish. Edie-as-Roxie joins in, barking the high notes. The curtain falls. The crowd goes wild.]* --- **ACT FIVE: THE ENCORE** *Scene: Backstage, post-show. Manny pops up with the repaired Swap-O-Matic.* **MANNY:** “Great news! The transistors are fixed! Back to normal?” **EDIE and ROXIE (together):** “Yes, please!” *[Swap plates, zappity-zap. Bodies, voices return to normal.]* **EDIE (fluffs herself, thrilled):** “Oh, my precious melodious voice is BACK! And my wings! I shall *never* take feather maintenance for granted again.” **ROXIE (tail wagging, relieved):** “I missed my nose! And my tail! Never realized how much I loved sniffing fire hydrants!” **JADE:** “So… next big play, who wants to play turtle?” **BEV (from Trip’s body, still shaking a pom-pom):** “Oooo! Me! Me!” **TRIP (as Bev, breakdancing):** “They should write a musical about *this*—call it ‘Switched at Paw!’” **QUINCY (sighs in relief):** “And I don’t have to pretend I’m the director anymore. Too much pressure, not enough fainting couches.” *[The group laughs together, united after their dramatic ordeal.]* **EDIE** (to the group, genuinely touched): “Thank you, everypaw. For helping me find my inner Barkley—and for reminding me that even a leading role is meaningless without her friends.” *[Group hug, confetti cannons (thanks, Manny).]* --- *Tag: Later that night, at the park, Edie and Roxie share leftover treats by the moonlight.* **EDIE (sighs deeply):** “Roxie, darling, do you think I made a good dog?” **ROXIE (smiling):** “The best. But you make an even better Edie.” *They laugh, the portal twinkles in the background, and the screen fades to the PAW-TUCKET logo.* **END**